It's Gigli. Rhymes with really. As in really really bad.
Test Pattern, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . .
Hello all. And when I say "all" I mean fellow poster Karen, and Jon if he ever decides to post to this here blog thing. So eons have passed and out of all the great myriad of films that I have watched in theaters and in DVD format between now and my previous post, what beckons me to convey me reflections is this sole film. A film that has been the scorn to many a film enthusiast from the moment that it was unleashed to the world. Starring Jen. Starring Ben. One word. Two syllables. And no, it is not pronounced "gig-gah-lee" nor "gig-lee".
Gigli
Now how did this adventure of mine begin? Well, it goes a little something like this . . .
It was a dark dark night. A Wednesday night to be exact. My buddy Jon and I were at soccer practice as per usual. He asks me what I was up to. I respond, nothing as per usual. He then inquires whether or not I want to go rent a movie after practice since his cousin's flight from New York will be arriving around 2am and he had time to kill. I go, "Sure." It also helped that I was in possession of a video rental membership card and some coupons for free 7 day rentals. The stage is set.
After practice we embark for the video rental joint near our homes. Along the way we deliberate about what we should watch. Moments pass and we finally settle on "Pornstar: The Legend of Ron Jeremy". Neither of us seen it, and we both thought it would be fuckin' hilarious.
We arrive. There's a good hour left before closing. So we scour the place searching for this documentary of the one and only "Human Hedgehog". But alas out search ran dry. Then out of the blue, Jon grabbed a DVD case, holds it up high for me and all to see. My eyes bulge and my skin turns pale. "How about this?" he says. I'm in total disbelief. But c'mon, it can't be THAT BAD. It's not possible. So with our mutual glints of insanity we agree to rent this flick.
CUT TO: JON'S HOUSE
Boom! We load the machine and watch, watch, watch.
Throughout the course of the next 121 minutes our brains hurt as the prevailing thought in our heads is: "WHAT THE FUCK!!!"
There are bad. There are really bad films. I should know, I've quite a number of them out of sheer curiosity. But this film, oh my god, it creates an entirely new level of how bad a film can truly be. Everything about the film is just bad. Be it the writing, the acting, the score, it don't matter it was bad. Fuck it, I'll even say the lighting was bad just to be an asshole. This film pained me so.
You're probably asking, "But Karl, Gigli cannot be possibly that bad." But I shit you not. Be afraid. Very afraid.
The horrors I had to endure: (warning, spoilers below!!!)
- I can understand the use of Italian American accents, but, Noo Yawk accents (bad ones at that, and J.Lo's from there for fucks sake) in L.A.?
- A supposed "retard" who by the end of the film is "not so much a retard" as opposed to a spaz.
- The music. Good lord the music. It's like stock music for scenes trying to entice the audience to pay attention because it's supposedly Oscar-worthy or important somehow. Is it used as a serious gesture? Is it supposed to be a joke? I honestly cannot tell with this film.
- Two bumbling Mafioso types. I don't know about you, but, in any other film dealing with the Mafia, or whatever it was supposed to be, they'd be whacked.
- Just to give you an idea of how bad the acting was, there is a scene where the two protagonists are in the presence of an actual actor. Don't worry, if you ever watch this film (which I highly advise against) you will know when. This happens with alot of bad films, where an actual good actor/actress enters the scene and reveals just how mediocre the level of acting around said performer. The performer as it were goes on a rambling monologue. It's still bad content-wise, but, the performer pulls it off. Then one of the protagonists speak. Wow! One can literally see the staggering difference in acting talent between the two at that precise moment.
- Predictability. Over the course of this film, I kept calling what will occur. My accuracy was startling. Jon began questioning whether I have seen it before. The worse moment was in one scene when I called like 4 straight things in a row. We were cracking-up because I was spot on. Jon then shook his fist in Shatner-like fashion shouting, "Damn you Karl! You wrote this didn't you!! Damn you...!!!"
So if I were to sum this viewing experience into a few select word:
"The horror. The horror . . ."
---------------------------------
Jon: Please write something. The world needs to behold the carnage that is you as you lay waste to the internet audience.
Karen: I'm excited that you finally posted. Keep it coming. If Kurt wants a separate place to bitch about anything within the realm of media and whatnot, then he's welcome to join the party.
Dave: Update more. I KNOW THERE ARE THINGS IN FILM THAT ARE PISSING YOU OFF, and you need to vent. Ya know, if there is anything outside of your regular editorials or film reviews, you can post here if ya want. Not that you read this here rag or anything.
So yeah, welcome to Jon & Karl @ the movies.
End Scene.
Hello all. And when I say "all" I mean fellow poster Karen, and Jon if he ever decides to post to this here blog thing. So eons have passed and out of all the great myriad of films that I have watched in theaters and in DVD format between now and my previous post, what beckons me to convey me reflections is this sole film. A film that has been the scorn to many a film enthusiast from the moment that it was unleashed to the world. Starring Jen. Starring Ben. One word. Two syllables. And no, it is not pronounced "gig-gah-lee" nor "gig-lee".
Gigli
Now how did this adventure of mine begin? Well, it goes a little something like this . . .
It was a dark dark night. A Wednesday night to be exact. My buddy Jon and I were at soccer practice as per usual. He asks me what I was up to. I respond, nothing as per usual. He then inquires whether or not I want to go rent a movie after practice since his cousin's flight from New York will be arriving around 2am and he had time to kill. I go, "Sure." It also helped that I was in possession of a video rental membership card and some coupons for free 7 day rentals. The stage is set.
After practice we embark for the video rental joint near our homes. Along the way we deliberate about what we should watch. Moments pass and we finally settle on "Pornstar: The Legend of Ron Jeremy". Neither of us seen it, and we both thought it would be fuckin' hilarious.
We arrive. There's a good hour left before closing. So we scour the place searching for this documentary of the one and only "Human Hedgehog". But alas out search ran dry. Then out of the blue, Jon grabbed a DVD case, holds it up high for me and all to see. My eyes bulge and my skin turns pale. "How about this?" he says. I'm in total disbelief. But c'mon, it can't be THAT BAD. It's not possible. So with our mutual glints of insanity we agree to rent this flick.
CUT TO: JON'S HOUSE
Boom! We load the machine and watch, watch, watch.
Throughout the course of the next 121 minutes our brains hurt as the prevailing thought in our heads is: "WHAT THE FUCK!!!"
There are bad. There are really bad films. I should know, I've quite a number of them out of sheer curiosity. But this film, oh my god, it creates an entirely new level of how bad a film can truly be. Everything about the film is just bad. Be it the writing, the acting, the score, it don't matter it was bad. Fuck it, I'll even say the lighting was bad just to be an asshole. This film pained me so.
You're probably asking, "But Karl, Gigli cannot be possibly that bad." But I shit you not. Be afraid. Very afraid.
The horrors I had to endure: (warning, spoilers below!!!)
- I can understand the use of Italian American accents, but, Noo Yawk accents (bad ones at that, and J.Lo's from there for fucks sake) in L.A.?
- A supposed "retard" who by the end of the film is "not so much a retard" as opposed to a spaz.
- The music. Good lord the music. It's like stock music for scenes trying to entice the audience to pay attention because it's supposedly Oscar-worthy or important somehow. Is it used as a serious gesture? Is it supposed to be a joke? I honestly cannot tell with this film.
- Two bumbling Mafioso types. I don't know about you, but, in any other film dealing with the Mafia, or whatever it was supposed to be, they'd be whacked.
- Just to give you an idea of how bad the acting was, there is a scene where the two protagonists are in the presence of an actual actor. Don't worry, if you ever watch this film (which I highly advise against) you will know when. This happens with alot of bad films, where an actual good actor/actress enters the scene and reveals just how mediocre the level of acting around said performer. The performer as it were goes on a rambling monologue. It's still bad content-wise, but, the performer pulls it off. Then one of the protagonists speak. Wow! One can literally see the staggering difference in acting talent between the two at that precise moment.
- Predictability. Over the course of this film, I kept calling what will occur. My accuracy was startling. Jon began questioning whether I have seen it before. The worse moment was in one scene when I called like 4 straight things in a row. We were cracking-up because I was spot on. Jon then shook his fist in Shatner-like fashion shouting, "Damn you Karl! You wrote this didn't you!! Damn you...!!!"
So if I were to sum this viewing experience into a few select word:
"The horror. The horror . . ."
---------------------------------
Jon: Please write something. The world needs to behold the carnage that is you as you lay waste to the internet audience.
Karen: I'm excited that you finally posted. Keep it coming. If Kurt wants a separate place to bitch about anything within the realm of media and whatnot, then he's welcome to join the party.
Dave: Update more. I KNOW THERE ARE THINGS IN FILM THAT ARE PISSING YOU OFF, and you need to vent. Ya know, if there is anything outside of your regular editorials or film reviews, you can post here if ya want. Not that you read this here rag or anything.
So yeah, welcome to Jon & Karl @ the movies.
End Scene.
posted by Shockah Karl at 1:29 a.m.
3 Comments:
Well, now you've done it. In response to your challenge to me that I post a review, I did just that. So there. Take that.
Um, that sounded rather antagonistic, now, didn't it? I apologize. It wasn't my intention to come across as hostile. No, not at all.
Asshole.
:)
Ding. Ding! DING!!!
You my friend have won the award of being:
"The First Ever Comment Poster on The KNED"
Kudos to you. The prize that goes along with this here precious and distinguished award is this . . .
Sweet Fuck All.
You sir are now the comment person that all other comment people must measure up to.
You are now in the history books. You've accomplished a feat.
Now I'm spent.
Ewww . . . very ewww . . .
ugh.
i too saw the horror. fortunately for me, i only caught the remaining 30 minutes of the movie. snuck into this viewing after finishing halle berry james bond flick @ capitol 6. so yeah...uhm...UGH!!!!
this year's horror film would have to be the prequel to the exorcist. it is so bad on every level. i vented bout it on one of my blogs =) anyhoo Karl, i enjoy yer blogs, this is my first visit here...consider me a repeat visitor!
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